Mini Cooper vs. Volvo S60
I’ve had a Volvo S60 for a few months now and that time has overlapped with the end of the lease on my Mini. So a comparison is apt for any potential car buyers and/or people with nothing better to read.
• Size. I thought I liked small cars like the Mini until I drove a big car. The Volvo is so much more comfortable. In the Volvo it’s like I’m floating down the road in a giant marshmallow cloud whereas the Mini was like riding down a rocky slope in a rusty bathtub with an acetic-acid-lubricated condom full of razor blades half-way up your ass.
• Comments. With the Mini I’d get “u have a mini? omg, wat a cute car lawls” With the Volvo it’s, “but you’re not a middle-aged woman…are you?”
• Stereos. The Mini’s stereo was better in that it worked all the time. The Volvo’s stereo sounds better, but only when it works.
• Ownership vs. leasing. Mini sent me an invoice at lease-end for $450 in damages. For one scratch. In comparison, I bought the Volvo outright so I can defecate in the trunk of it every day for years and it won’t cost me a damn thing.
• Influence on life choices. This is a weird one. The plan was to look for a bigger apartment once I got my new car figured out. When I had the Mini I wanted to live further Downtown. I swear as soon as I got the Volvo, I had the opposite desire. Also, I feel like I need to switch to a higher-class of prostitute now.
• Winter. The Mini’s lighter weight and better traction control helps it get up hills better. The Volvo is Swedish though so it just feels more right. And the heated seats keep my Swedish meatballs nice and toasty.
• Dead bodies. The Mini could fit 3 or maybe 4 if they were children or Asians. The Volvo can hold at least 6. Four strapped in as passengers, two in the trunk. This will result in a 50% increase in overall dead body haululation over the next few years.
• You don’t want to read any more of this I’m pretty sure.
(Huge props to Earl for getting me a car that will undoubtedly smell awful very soon.)
